A woman is perfectly justified in believing the worst about you.
Not that she has to justify anything to you.
But it is your responsibility to prove that you are not a threat. It is your job to be unthreatening.
Women are taught, and with good reason, to always use…
A point made from a woman proving that all the jerks make it that much harder for the real gentlemen to even get a chance. By the time a nice car drives by they are too ran over to care.
I can’t even…
Listen dude, I literally said like 5 posts back who I am. I get it, research is not your thing but dude…
You have so entirely missed the point of this entire post! This was a post all about how women have to live their entire lives like they’re walking on a busy street and it’s not about you so don’t be a douche and make it about you…
AND YOU MADE IT ABOUT YOU! IF YOU THINK THIS POST IS ABOUT WHY YOU ARE SINGLE THEN YOU JUST MIGHT BE THE PROBLEM!
It’s like I’ve created some sort of “not all men” Jeff Foxworthy routine! “If you see a post about rape culture and your response is ‘that’s why I’m single’, you might be the problem!”
Yeah I guess I am the problem since I am always the friend that these girls run to crying. I guess I am the problem when I do everything I can to be respectful of every person. I guess it is a huge problem that I show love to people who care nothing about me. I guess that does make me the problem when a friend that I haven’t seen in years calls me to spend time with her because her roommates and friends still hang out with her rapist despite her protests. How about you do your fucking research…
Yeah, I know you think you’re making a great case here, but wearing your friends rape as your badge of honor is not doing you any favors. It’s great that you have a friend that you care about, but I don’t see how:
1) Her being raped makes you a better person
2) You should think that she owes you anything for being there for her. That’s what friends do. That’s what common decent humans should do. The problem isn’t that you care. The problem is that you think caring entitles you to either a badge of honor or sharing her bed.
I know absolutely zero about you outside of what you’ve posted here, but what you’ve posted here is incredibly revealing.
Perhaps you should think of your friend as a human first, a friend second, a girl third, and a potential mate last if at all.
The idea that you are entitled to have sex or even a romantic relationship with someone because you meet some mediocre standard of decency is only minutely better than thinking you’re owed the same thing for buying a girl dinner.
If you would stop putting words in peoples moths for 5 seconds you would realize that I have done every single one of these things. I never said any of these friends owed me anything then the smile and warm thank you that they gave me I never claimed in any way to better because I showed a friend the same respect I show anybody at a time where she just needed someone to talk to who would not take advantage of them. You have decided to imply these things about me. You decided to accuse a person who is personally touched by one of your posts. Someone has time and time again been denied a chance at the final step because of what other guys have done. It becomes incredibly personal when the point of your post is that women do not want trust men because of what other men have done. So when I make it personal it is because it hits me personally. I have been these girls friends as they tried to form new relationships with people that were not me. I have then tried to further the deep relationships I already have with my human friends that happen to be girls and I get rejected because of what another man has done that touches me personally. But no because men are the villains here the very few left trying redeem what it means to be a real man that does anything they can for people and expect nothing but respect for it are ran out of town on a rail. All because they had the nerve to point out the fact that they are not being judged on who they are but based on what they are. I just thought this whole place was a little above lambasting people due to their gender assigned to them at birth and to judge people by the content of the words that they say and not the ones that they do not. If you have the right to say JUDGE ALL MEN THIS WAY!. I have the right to say DO NOT JUDGE ME THIS WAY because I HAVE BEEN JUDGED THIS WAY! If I claim to deserve anything it is only a fair chance in future relationships. Read carefully what I wrote I said none of the things you say I entitled myself when I did not. If I make a case for anything it is that there are men that can be trusted. I have to make a case of it because it is so rare people don’t even believe that it can actually happen. You do know zero about me but the words you replied with implied that you did know how much your post was a part of my life. You implied that you know how hard I have worked to be the least threatening man alive only to get pushed aside. I guess it is ok that it happens it is just a problem when someone points it out and wishes it wasn’t that way. I also pretty much rephrased what you said that no women have trusted me because of what other men do. This is the last of what I will say. I very much understood what your post was saying. Sorry that me knowing that personally affects me and I wanted to express that fact on my tumblr. Thank you and farewell.
Okay, so, somehow you still seem to think I’m a woman. Still not true. It says something for the depth of your reading.
I’m a guy. So, obviously I don’t think all guys are evil or terrible or rapists.
I think a lot of guys are. I think some guys would be. And I guys share the sense of entitlement to a woman and a woman’s body that often leads men to rape. That is the issue I see with your post from the jump. What I said in my post was “Girls have every right to keep their distance from you because the world is full of people that can and will hurt them and they have every reason to believe you’re one of those people” and you said “Dude, this is why I can’t find a girlfriend because other guys are bad to girls and then girls won’t give me a chance because they’ve been raped/abused in the past.”
You made it about you. It’s not about you. It’s about the fact that your friend can’t go a day without the fear of what could happen to her. The fact that your first impulse is to say “It sucks how other people being raped totally makes me the victim” is troubling from a strictly psychotic perspective. Sure, assuming you’re right about why girls won’t be with you, it means you might be sleeping alone for a larger percentage of your nights than you like. But for her it can mean not sleeping, not eating, inflicting self-harm, loss of self-esteem, loss of friends, inability to concentrate, fear of leaving her house, fear that other people are judging her based on what happened to her, fear that she somehow caused it or could have avoided it. For her it could mean suicide. It happens. A lot.
But never mind that, because you’re not that kind of guy, right? You’re not the kind of guy that puts your need to get off on par with her need to live normal life, are you?
Because that’s what you’re doing. You’re making your love life as important as her life. And that is not good boyfriend material, no matter how nice you may think you are.
If I made it about me it was because I identified with every line you wrote from seeing it. I saw that you really captured how women feel about men. I do not have to assume that I am right I have been told these things. You make the generalization to all men. How do you assume you are so right? Why should the culture that strikes this fear into women go unblamed? It is the job of the men who play by the rules to be ok that women still distance themselves because of all the men not following the rules ? Should those men try to show that saying being scared of men isn’t going to help either. You say it is because someone breaks the rules that happens deal with it. But how dare I point out that it is kind of crap. Yet you say nothing about how loathsome those that are not following the rules are. You just gotta always be on guard for those ones. Don’t trust anyone because they will be there. Why say “Run hide you will get run over.” when you can say “Stop capitalizing on the sexuality of women it is not a commodity.” Stop saying this kind of thing will happen, when you can say lets make this stop happening. How can we get rid of this kind of thinking? Girls aren’t the only people that are so scared of the world they hurt themselves. Stop making the hurt right. Stop making the hurt the thing to be avoided. Make the hurt the thing to be dealt with and stopped.
You know what, maybe you’re right. Maybe there is a misunderstanding at the center of this. Let’s clear up my stance here.
Rape is bad!
Rape in and of itself is terrible and should be avoided at all costs. Beyond that, it causes a number of other issues that I covered before, none of which I find to be desirable.
Also, rapists are bad!
I’m sure plenty of people have raped and also done great things for the world, but they are still terrible people. Rape is a common decency deal breaker. Murder I can forgive, given the right circumstances, but rape is never okay. It is possible to become a better person after you rape someone, I’m sure, but there is no amount of penance that can give back what you have taken.
Rape culture is bad!
The culture that leads men to believe they are entitled to do as they please with women and their bodies is absolute bullshit. I have been known to publicly tell people off for voicing sentiments that relate what a woman is wearing to whether or not she wants or needs or is asking for sex. Consent is consent. Anything else is rape.
We good on that now? Cool.
You know who is never to blame for rape?
The person being raped. That person is not in the wrong for what they were wearing, or whether they were drinking, or even how they were flirting. A woman’s body is her own and if she wants to flirt and if she wants to dance and if she wants to make out and then she wants to go home, she is just as right to do each of those things. It literally does not matter if you are rounding third and a woman tells you that she wants to stop, you stop. It won’t be fun, but it’s a hell of a lot less fun that a life of psychological trauma.
Now, it is a fact that not all men are rapists. Not all men who are not rapists are automatically good guys. Not all men that are not rapists deserve to be rewarded. Not all men that are not rapists deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt. Not all men who are not rapists have the right to tell a girl they don’t know to smile or to make a girl uncomfortable by hitting on them.
It is never a woman’s job to give you a chance. It is your privilege to be given a chance. Is that fair? Absofuckinglutely. Because they have a lot more to lose in the short game than they have to win. If it never happens for you and the girl who just won’t give you a chance, so be it. If that means you’re sexually frustrated, then so be it.
But here’s a little secret. A lot of girls like sex. And, if they are sexually attracted to you and you are a decent guy, and you give them reason to trust you - they may want to have sex with you. It’ll happen, like magic one day. A girl may not just give you consent, she may actually ask for it. And it can be great. Really great. For both of you.
But getting there is not about playing a waiting game or consoling someone or playing the friend until that day that they finally decide you’ve collected enough gold friend tokens to get their panties off. It doesn’t work that way. That’s another form of entitlement and it is directly tied to rape culture. What you are postulating is that regardless of a girl’s level of sexual attraction that if you gain enough XP, you should be able to level up into her bed.
Not so. That girl is not yours. That girl was never yours. Likely, that girl will never be yours. Be a decent friend to her and reap the rewards of friendship (consult My Little Pony for questions about rewards of friendship). But sex is not a reward for friendship.
Nobody is to blame for that assumption but you and putting that at the feet of other men or society or the girl in question is just wrong. You are responsible for making yourself the sort of person you want to be. And unless that list includes “rapist” you need to stop thinking of her as a goal.
She’s not a goal. She’s not an object. She’s not your right or reward.
She’s a woman.
i had to bold the relevance b/c holy shit, spot on, you deserve like 5 standing ovations